raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 24, 2003 21:36:30 GMT -5
today has been the worst day for me emotionally, and it's just been physically draining. i went to see my new midwife today (no, i'm not pregnant, i just prefer midwives to ob/gyns). i really think i should have just stayed with planned parenthood, but they're 45 minutes from my house. emotionally, i was fine, til the questions started. you know the routine 'how many pregnancies', 'your mother's or you father's side', etc, etc, etc. i need to get alot of my chest, so please just bear with me. if you don't think you can read any further, then please don't. i would like to not offend anyone in anyway, or trigger other things.
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i couldn't tell my midwife anything about my biologocal mother's family. i haven't talked to her since i was 5, and then when i was 18, but that was the last time. i don't know her family, i know nothing of where she lives or who she's with now. i know i hate her soooo much, and i know i need this information, but i just can't ask her for it. as soon as i thought of this, i realized, i mean really realized, that i've never had a permanent mother figure in my life. my biological mother, well, i would rather think she died giving birth to me than face the fact that she was never a mom, everything a mom is, loving caring nuturing and protective, she wasn't any of these things. the woman who adopted me really never cared or loved me, and you could tell just by how she talked and looked at me, she always made me feel like i was the ugly duckling. my step mom, who had been with my biological father for 15 yrs, left my dad, and i haven't even heard from her in 4 months, no calls, nothing. this really makes a person feel empty inside. i've always needed a mom, someone to go to when i couldn't go to anyone else. i've never had that.
next post......
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Post by Daemeon on Jan 24, 2003 21:47:39 GMT -5
I wanna help but I don't know much about these situations. From what it sounds like though, these people you are talking about aren't the mother role models that you are seeking.  |
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Post by Monika on Jan 24, 2003 21:54:41 GMT -5
Sam I can't say I know what that's like because I don't I can't imagine how hard all that is. I do know that when the parents aren't around you tend to look for that affection in other people or just shut away from everything. My parents were never around when I needed them growing up, I became really quiet and eventually I rebeled in other things, but that abstence of my mother saying she was proud of me or holding me when I was insecure that was never there, that I can relate to. But like I said I feel really bad that that had to happen to you, nobody should have to go through something like that, especially not you. Hugz, hugz and more hugz sweetie I'm there for ya, even if half the things I say are meaningless.  |
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Post by Daemeon on Jan 24, 2003 21:56:01 GMT -5
What do you feel you are missing. The mother figure as a role model, Motherly love, or both.
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 24, 2003 22:02:39 GMT -5
then she asked 'have you ever been assaulted in any way?'. unfortunatly yes i have. some of you may know how traumatizing, how frustrating this is. some of you may not. it's a feeling that really never goes away. you may think it's gone, but then something triggers it. it takes away all your dignity, it leaves you feeling empty and alone. i know i'm not alone. i know i have caring wonderful people in my life. but even telling myself consantly 'you're a survivor' i still feel dirty, and alone.
i was abused by my stepfather and biological mother til i was 4. when my father found out, he took us from them. the last time i saw them was in a court room where ken was allowed to question me on whether or not he really abused me. can you imagine this trauma? your abuser asking if he really did anything to you? at 5 years old, your dignity is gone. washed away by some sick perverts who molest children and will never see a day in jail or prison.
i was raped when i was 18. by a 'friend' at a party. he locked the door, and while everyone was outside cheering, thinking we were having sex, he raped me. when i walked out of the room, every person looked at me as if i was a whore. if someone had just come to check, maybe i would have been saved from what had happened. but that's just an if...
when i was 22, my husband and i slpit up. our marriage was just horrid. we fought so much that our then 2 yr old son would bang his head into a wall until we stopped fighting. we agreed that we could do whatever we wanted as long as it didn't hurt our children. i feel like since i met klint, i had hurt them everyday without them even knowing it. he would threaten to kill me or my children. and he would rape me when he needed to be 'satisfied'. this went on for 3 months before i got up enough nerve to tell him to leave. i baricaded my self in a room with my kids. and he left that night.
when she asked how many pregnancies' 3. 'how many children' 2. what happened to the..... oh.... that was exactly what happened in the little room. the exact conversation. i left there not wanting to live. not caring what happened i just wanted to be gone. january is the worst month for me, worse than anything that has happened to me, because i know there is no forgetting. i will carry this forever. klint got me pregnant. i found out 2 months after he had left, and i thought i could get on with my life after he was gone, but now i always have a reminder. some of you may think that i'm an awful horrible person, and sometimes i think i am too. but please don't judge me for a decision that i had to make. i couldn't have the baby. do you know what it's like to wonder where and why your parents didn't want you? i do, i know because for 9 years of my life, i thought my real loving family hated me, because that's what i was told. do you know what it's like to be unloved? i do, and it hurts really deep down to parts of your soul that you never knew even existed. i did what i thought was right. it was the worst day of my life. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat. the nightmares were horrendous. and they still are. i remember every inch of that room, like i had been there a hundred times, the sounds the smells, and they will never go away.
for so many years of my life i've waited to just be free of all of this wieght. it drags me down little by little. and i may seem or even be ok, but i'm not. i need help, i know i do. my mood swings have gotten worse, so much worse than they've ever been. and it makes me sick, tired, and unable to preform even the smallest of tasks.
thank you for just listening, i don't expect comments, i just really needed to get this all out. i sat and cried the whole time i was typing, and for once in my life, it felt really good to cry.
*hugz*
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 24, 2003 22:04:05 GMT -5
What do you feel you are missing. The mother figure as a role model, Motherly love, or both. both. sometimes i feel like i'm not going to be a good mother because i didn't have that, you know........ |
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Post by bexface on Jan 24, 2003 22:05:40 GMT -5
Raisin,
I can't speak to what you experienced, as I have always had parents in my life. I do know that my mother long stopped being my mother figure when she went crazy over jesus christ (after the divorce) and I like my step-mother (I call her my "bonus-mom") more than my real mom.
How about Tori? Could she work as your mother figure? Someone else I know lost her mother at an early stage of her life and considers Tori like that. Perhaps Tori could mean the same for you?
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Post by Monika on Jan 24, 2003 22:23:53 GMT -5
Sam, I know what that's like not the abortion part, but I prefer to keep that to myself. I don't think your a horrible person because you decided to not have the baby, I actually think I would've done the same. Some ppl don't understand how terrible something like that is, it's like a constant emptyness and self hatred even though you know you couldn't help it from happening. You're not a horrible person don't ever say that let alone think that, EVER.
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Post by Natasha~ on Jan 24, 2003 22:48:33 GMT -5
Sam,
a lot of your story struck home for me. I am here for you, in letters, e-mails and toriforum. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story and that i think you are an amazing person. *HUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS* & *KIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSESSSSSSSSS* X 1 000 000 000
to infinity!
xoxo
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 25, 2003 9:31:53 GMT -5
i sat and read my post and all of your posts this morning, and although it all still upsets me, i feel like about 20 lbs has been lifted off me. i think this is just what i needed to do. alot of what i told you, i never told anyone, for years i kept it hidden inside. i cried for awhile after i posted all that, and like i said, it's never felt so good to cry. i'm still going to seek therapy, and probably get myself put on some meds. but i think i needed to get the whole story out, not just bits and pieces, because i was affraid of the outcome. here are responses to all of you who posted: Daemeon: no, they're not. even at 23, i still need a mother figure in my life. my father has since met a wonderful lady. she's sweet, caring, nice, and her little southern accent just cracks me up (it's so cute, you have to hear it), but i feel like if i start to trust her, then she will leave too. i really do want to trust her, but i don't want my father or any of my other siblings being hurt again either. it's hard, but baby steps is all i will take with this new relationship that i have with my dad's new girlfriend. monika: i tend to shut my self out from the world, and then do things that will hurt me in the long run. i turned into a drug addict before i was 17. fortuantly, i had enough strength to see that the things i was doing at that point were going to drag me down even more, and i have been drug free for almost 9 years. i was an alcoholic at 18 years of age. i have been alcohol free for almost 6 years. when i was feel hurt and alone, i would turn to these outlets. it's even hard now, sometimes i want to drink, but i won't. my husband drinks, but he drinks beer, which i don't like. i wish no one had to go through any of the emotional trauma of not having one or even both parents around. it really does make you feel empty. and nothing you say is meaningless hugzhugzhugzhugzhugz Daemeon: i'm going to answer this again, because last night i tried, and i gave a one liner. i'm missing both. like i said, at 23 i still need that mother figure, and that love. it's hard to be a mom, especially when you don't have one around. sometimes i think that because of not having a permanent mother figure, i'm going to be an awful mom, and ruin my kids life. everyone tells me what a wonderful mother i am, but it's still hard. next post! ~~~~~~~> |
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 25, 2003 9:50:10 GMT -5
bexface: that's very cute 'bonus mom', that puts a smile on my face i never actually considered just adopting tori as my mom. i guess it would make perfect sense. whenever i needed her, just pop in a cd, and she would sing my worries away. i don't know, i guess i will have to think about that more. maybe if i meet her again, i will tell her i've adopted her as my mom or something. monika: *hugzhugzhugzhugz* thank you for understanding. i was honestly afraid to tell anyone. but i know i needed to get it out. i think i'm really just afraid of the protesters in my head. nattie: thank you for your kind words, and all those amazing hugs and kisses. i think i may write a letter to you, i'll probably start it today, but i can't mail it til monday. but i'm writing a letter for goodness sake's! ;D thank you all for you caring words, and support. i almost deleted this whole thread. but i'm feeling better now that i don't have all this weighing me down so much. someone somewhere once said 'you can't let things get to you, because then they have won'. i know this is true, i know deep inside i will remember, even if i don't want to. but i know as long as i talk about it, they can't win. *hugzhugzhugzhugzhugz to all the amazing people here* |
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Post by Angie812 on Jan 25, 2003 15:00:55 GMT -5
wow sam...i just have like major tears brimming from my eyes.  i cant even imagine the struggles uve have gone thru. you sound like a woman beyond her years, with all the things you have gone thru. u sound like a wonderful asset to the human race and a powerful woman indeed. your children are very lucky to have such a strong mommy in their lives. i hope whatever happens your inner strength will always guide and help you. and remember the powerful impact of friendship, compasssion and understanding. u r a wonderful person. now all u have to do is realize that ;D   |
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Post by ♣Miranda♣ on Jan 25, 2003 15:40:53 GMT -5
Sam, even though I only know you through the forum and we've never met, I think you are a beautiful wonderful person. The way you talk about your kids in here just shows how much you love them. You and bumblebee give me these sweet little thoughts that perhaps one day, I could be a mother and love my kids as much as you do. I'm gonna send you my email address and everything so that if you ever need to, you can get ahold of me. Love and kisses |
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Post by Natasha~ on Jan 25, 2003 17:27:55 GMT -5
nattie: thank you for your kind words, and all those amazing hugs and kisses. i think i may write a letter to you, i'll probably start it today, but i can't mail it til monday. but i'm writing a letter for goodness sake's! ;D Please do write to me, letters are so special, they can be like a godsend. I promise you i will write you back, always. xo |
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Post by elizabeth on Jan 25, 2003 21:56:57 GMT -5
Hey, raisangrrl, it's elizabeth...well, it's hard to respond this way....no words could really, but...well, one of my friends was molested, and she is such a strong girl. And you seem like such a strong girl to me. And, one of my friends had an abortion, and, you know, I just understand.
I have not gone through what you have, but I did write in my journal once about my family and my life there that it almost broke my spirit. but it didn't. and i know what has happened hasn't broken yours. Maybe you have to go through this and REMEMBER to be okay, whole again Want to know a pretty Jewish saying? There is nothing as whole as a broken heart. maybe you have to grieve for these things before you become older.
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 26, 2003 0:01:52 GMT -5
wow sam...i just have like major tears brimming from my eyes. i cant even imagine the struggles uve have gone thru. you sound like a woman beyond her years, with all the things you have gone thru. u sound like a wonderful asset to the human race and a powerful woman indeed. your children are very lucky to have such a strong mommy in their lives. i hope whatever happens your inner strength will always guide and help you. and remember the powerful impact of friendship, compasssion and understanding. u r a wonderful person. now all u have to do is realize that ;D aside from this uncontrollable urge to take over the world (kidding), i don't see myself as a powerful woman. maybe one day i will. you sound like my husband. he says that my children are lucky to have me as their mother. he says 'you know hat is out there, you've had to unfortunatly experience it forst hand. but maybe in some small way that's good, because then you can try to keep our children from such dangers. you're their greatest asset in life, and they love you dearly. you're their hero, and they don't even know it yet.' thank you for your thoughtful and caring words. *hugzhugzhugzhugzhugz* |
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 26, 2003 0:03:28 GMT -5
Please do write to me, letters are so special, they can be like a godsend. I promise you i will write you back, always. xo i will write. i've actually always wanted someone to write letters to, somewhat of a penpal, but someone who i could trust with thoughta and feelings. you'll be getting a letter soon! *hugzhugzhugzhugzkisseskisseskisseskisses* |
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 26, 2003 0:10:47 GMT -5
Hey, raisangrrl, it's elizabeth...well, it's hard to respond this way....no words could really, but...well, one of my friends was molested, and she is such a strong girl. And you seem like such a strong girl to me. And, one of my friends had an abortion, and, you know, I just understand. I have not gone through what you have, but I did write in my journal once about my family and my life there that it almost broke my spirit. but it didn't. and i know what has happened hasn't broken yours. Maybe you have to go through this and REMEMBER to be okay, whole again Want to know a pretty Jewish saying? There is nothing as whole as a broken heart. maybe you have to grieve for these things before you become older. thank you for understanding. i'm glad i was able to tell anyone any of this. there was alot of fear, i almost just didn't post it at all actually. i think tomorrow when i see my dad, i will tell him about the rapes. he doesn't know, and i don't know if he will understand, but i'm his little girl (even at 23), and i feel like i just can't hide from the world anymore. thank you for sharing that beautiful quote as well. i think i'm going to paint a picture with that qoute somewhere on it. *hugzhugzhugzhugzhugzhugzhugz* |
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raisangrrl
Little Diamond
~*It always rains the hardest on those that deserve the sun*~
Posts: 17
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Post by raisangrrl on Jan 26, 2003 0:16:22 GMT -5
Sam, even though I only know you through the forum and we've never met, I think you are a beautiful wonderful person. The way you talk about your kids in here just shows how much you love them. You and bumblebee give me these sweet little thoughts that perhaps one day, I could be a mother and love my kids as much as you do. I'm gonna send you my email address and everything so that if you ever need to, you can get ahold of me. Love and kisses you'll be a wonderful mommy. you're so sweet and caring. and when you do, i want pictures! thank you for the address'. i sent you an im back. *hugzhugzhugzhugzhugzhugz* |
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