Post by Julie on Apr 26, 2005 17:12:15 GMT -5
Playboy Mommy
. In my platforms . I hit the floor . fell face down . didn't help my
brain out . then the baby came
This is when she is losing the baby.
. before I found . the magic how . to keep her happy . I
never was the fantasy . of what you want . wanted me to be
She felt like, 'Why would anyone want to make me miscarry when I could be a wonderful mother compared to so many mothers out there who aren't deserving of precious, innocent life. Why me for the 3rd time? I guess it's not meant to be.' It's the self-doubt.
. Don't judge me so harsh
little girl . so . you got a playboy mommy . but when you tell em my name . and you
want to cross that . Bridge all on your own .
little girl they'll do you no harm . cause they know . your playboy mommy . but when
you tell em my name . from here to Birmingham I got a few friends . I never was there
was there when it counts . I get my way . you're so like me . you seemed ashamed .
ashamed that I was . a good friend of American soldiers . I'll say it loud here by your
grave . those angels can't . ever take my place
The angels or God up in Heaven can take care of her unborn baby but no one can replace the maternal love that she would've given this baby if she would've lived and it's just this sad frustration that's going on.
. somewhere
where the orchids grow . I can't find those church bells . that played when you died .
played Gloria . talkin bout . Hosanah
She misses what was never there. This life didn't even have a chance at life and now she's gone. She had such a connection to this baby in the womb.
. don't judge me so harsh little girl . but i'll be home . to take you in my arms
One day when it's Tori's time and she goes to Heaven she will see all 3 of her unborn baby girls or boys and will love them maternally like she always wanted to.
Here's Tori's description of it:
"Playboy Mommy dealt with my feelings of rejection - 'wasn't I enough to be your mother, didn't you want me? Well, don't come, then. Go choose some little right-wing Christian for your mother.' It's a human response."
"I was pregnant," she softly states. "I got pregnant on tour, it was a surprise, but I was deeply thrilled about it. I was almost three months pregnant... Christmas '96... and I miscarried. And it was very difficult. The sorrow was just really deep. I know some people who've gone through it and they move on quickly. Everybody responds differently to a loss. I got quite attached to the spirit of this being....It was a girl. That's why on Playboy Mommy, I sing, Don't judge me so harsh little girl. I had so many responses to it before I could get to the place where I am now. You see people hit their kids in stores and you just go, What force of judgment gives these people these little lives? I have a lot of questions right now. I know it's a free-will planet. Things happen. But you know that saying, Bad things don't happen to good people? That's a painful lie, and it hits you on such a core level. I know now that I have an appreciation for the miracle of life that I didn't have, but I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best... it's just not appropriate."
-- Tori; Q Magazine, May 1998
“In Playboy Mommy, I’m much of a voluptuous, you know, but I’m allowed to do that because I’m a writer... so its like, I make myself in that way. And I saw myself in a different way than I am - with a thirteen year old daughter… and a mother/daughter relationship just not being enough. I saw my mother, you know I saw how I felt when I was... not ashamed, but that moment of why couldn’t you be the thing that I wanted you to be and I realized that I would probably... have that in my heart” [from the choirgirl hotel electronic press kit video]
“I saw her [Playboy Mommy] very much as a Magdalene figure. I saw her as someone who had become quite disreputable because of the means she used to survive. There was something in me that aligned with this disreputable woman that people have a hard time with. Sometimes you have to accomplish things in not-so-pretty ways. I saw strength in her. She can do things that those women accepted in the literary circles cannot do because she can swallow... This woman in Playboy Mommy, she’ll swallow. She’ll swallow a billion seeds to protect this little girl” [Alternative Press - July 1998]
“I had written this thing and I couldn’t get the first line. And I was in France with my friend Beenie. I go a lot of places with my friend Beenie. And um, we were with another friend of hers and her mother. Anyway, two of them are having an argument, right? So I decided champagne for everybody was a good idea. And that’s what you do in France. And it was like after lunch, so that’s good, that’s improvement. And um anyway they make very good champagne - we had Krug - and if, you know, if you ever have that experience just like even if you have to steal it it’s really worth the experience. So ok, I sent champagne around because everybody’s arguing and then Beenie comes to like update me on the fighting and who’s winning. And so I’m standing at the top of the stairs I’m in this shmoozy suite, I’m embarrassed to say it but I was. And so we’re standing at the top and she goes, you know, ‘Let’s go out to the deck and talk about this.’ So it’s one of those round staircases like they have in the Love Boat. And so I’m in these Prada platforms and um I’m at the top of the stairs and I fall all the way down the stairs ‘cause I trip on my Prada shoes, serves me right. So I trip all the way down and I lie flat on my face and I swear to Christ I’m lying flat and my nose is like um taped to the rug. And I said ‘oh Beenie, I need more champagne, this is so horrible.’ But I laid there and I said ‘oh my God Beenie, oh my god I have the first line.’” [Seattle End Sessions - September 11, 1998]
“So while the guys change basses and stuff, I’ll tell ya a little story about this next song. I don’t do that much anymore, do I, Matt? I just don’t tell stories much; I’ve gotten shy in my old age. Anyway, um, the strangest thing... so anyway, this little story: I lived in the tropics and the crew was down there and Marcel was -- I think you were nude, Marcel... Strange. Odd. And, uh, he had run into-- what did you run into-- a pier. Anyway, he was almost dead. He was on a pier so we, of course we had loads of pharmaceuticals because.. that’s ah.. that’s our Goddess! That's the great American health food, heh, that’s what I love. And of course, um, but only in moderation, balance. And of course, um, while all this was happening, you know strawberry margaritas going into the tum-tum, I had just lost the baby, and ah, this song started to come. And everybody started to kinda weave in and out of this beach house and ah, I couldn’t finish it, for some reason I just couldn’t. I wrote this first verse twenty times. I had my wisdom teeth out and I was singing it to my mother going, ‘Mother what do you think of these lyrics?’ Something about, you know, my head, and it hurts, and da da da da, just, she goes, ‘You’re outta your mind, you just had your wisd-- this is terrible!’ And I said, ‘ah okay, thanks mom.’ And then it took me a while until I went with Beenie to a... Champagne... you THINK I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict and I’m NOT! It’s one of those things. It’s not the same! But anyway, so I’m in the Champagne, right, with Beenie and we were having an argument with one of her, uh, friends, there were four of us women and my god, four women together oh god it can be ugly. So um... cats for days and P.U.! Anyway, so there was a war going on and one woman was having her throat removed and um, Beenie of course was gonna win, and I just, I just came into my room freaked out by the whole thing and schmoozy me, my uh, spiral staircase, mm mmm... So I come down in my Prada shoes and I trip all the way down the steps and I fall all the way down to the floor and so, uh, when I looked at Beenie and said, (sings) ‘in my platforms I hit the floor...’” [Binghamton, NY concert - November 10, 1998]
. In my platforms . I hit the floor . fell face down . didn't help my
brain out . then the baby came
This is when she is losing the baby.
. before I found . the magic how . to keep her happy . I
never was the fantasy . of what you want . wanted me to be
She felt like, 'Why would anyone want to make me miscarry when I could be a wonderful mother compared to so many mothers out there who aren't deserving of precious, innocent life. Why me for the 3rd time? I guess it's not meant to be.' It's the self-doubt.
. Don't judge me so harsh
little girl . so . you got a playboy mommy . but when you tell em my name . and you
want to cross that . Bridge all on your own .
little girl they'll do you no harm . cause they know . your playboy mommy . but when
you tell em my name . from here to Birmingham I got a few friends . I never was there
was there when it counts . I get my way . you're so like me . you seemed ashamed .
ashamed that I was . a good friend of American soldiers . I'll say it loud here by your
grave . those angels can't . ever take my place
The angels or God up in Heaven can take care of her unborn baby but no one can replace the maternal love that she would've given this baby if she would've lived and it's just this sad frustration that's going on.
. somewhere
where the orchids grow . I can't find those church bells . that played when you died .
played Gloria . talkin bout . Hosanah
She misses what was never there. This life didn't even have a chance at life and now she's gone. She had such a connection to this baby in the womb.
. don't judge me so harsh little girl . but i'll be home . to take you in my arms
One day when it's Tori's time and she goes to Heaven she will see all 3 of her unborn baby girls or boys and will love them maternally like she always wanted to.
Here's Tori's description of it:
"Playboy Mommy dealt with my feelings of rejection - 'wasn't I enough to be your mother, didn't you want me? Well, don't come, then. Go choose some little right-wing Christian for your mother.' It's a human response."
"I was pregnant," she softly states. "I got pregnant on tour, it was a surprise, but I was deeply thrilled about it. I was almost three months pregnant... Christmas '96... and I miscarried. And it was very difficult. The sorrow was just really deep. I know some people who've gone through it and they move on quickly. Everybody responds differently to a loss. I got quite attached to the spirit of this being....It was a girl. That's why on Playboy Mommy, I sing, Don't judge me so harsh little girl. I had so many responses to it before I could get to the place where I am now. You see people hit their kids in stores and you just go, What force of judgment gives these people these little lives? I have a lot of questions right now. I know it's a free-will planet. Things happen. But you know that saying, Bad things don't happen to good people? That's a painful lie, and it hits you on such a core level. I know now that I have an appreciation for the miracle of life that I didn't have, but I don't believe in the saying that it all happens for the best... it's just not appropriate."
-- Tori; Q Magazine, May 1998
“In Playboy Mommy, I’m much of a voluptuous, you know, but I’m allowed to do that because I’m a writer... so its like, I make myself in that way. And I saw myself in a different way than I am - with a thirteen year old daughter… and a mother/daughter relationship just not being enough. I saw my mother, you know I saw how I felt when I was... not ashamed, but that moment of why couldn’t you be the thing that I wanted you to be and I realized that I would probably... have that in my heart” [from the choirgirl hotel electronic press kit video]
“I saw her [Playboy Mommy] very much as a Magdalene figure. I saw her as someone who had become quite disreputable because of the means she used to survive. There was something in me that aligned with this disreputable woman that people have a hard time with. Sometimes you have to accomplish things in not-so-pretty ways. I saw strength in her. She can do things that those women accepted in the literary circles cannot do because she can swallow... This woman in Playboy Mommy, she’ll swallow. She’ll swallow a billion seeds to protect this little girl” [Alternative Press - July 1998]
“I had written this thing and I couldn’t get the first line. And I was in France with my friend Beenie. I go a lot of places with my friend Beenie. And um, we were with another friend of hers and her mother. Anyway, two of them are having an argument, right? So I decided champagne for everybody was a good idea. And that’s what you do in France. And it was like after lunch, so that’s good, that’s improvement. And um anyway they make very good champagne - we had Krug - and if, you know, if you ever have that experience just like even if you have to steal it it’s really worth the experience. So ok, I sent champagne around because everybody’s arguing and then Beenie comes to like update me on the fighting and who’s winning. And so I’m standing at the top of the stairs I’m in this shmoozy suite, I’m embarrassed to say it but I was. And so we’re standing at the top and she goes, you know, ‘Let’s go out to the deck and talk about this.’ So it’s one of those round staircases like they have in the Love Boat. And so I’m in these Prada platforms and um I’m at the top of the stairs and I fall all the way down the stairs ‘cause I trip on my Prada shoes, serves me right. So I trip all the way down and I lie flat on my face and I swear to Christ I’m lying flat and my nose is like um taped to the rug. And I said ‘oh Beenie, I need more champagne, this is so horrible.’ But I laid there and I said ‘oh my God Beenie, oh my god I have the first line.’” [Seattle End Sessions - September 11, 1998]
“So while the guys change basses and stuff, I’ll tell ya a little story about this next song. I don’t do that much anymore, do I, Matt? I just don’t tell stories much; I’ve gotten shy in my old age. Anyway, um, the strangest thing... so anyway, this little story: I lived in the tropics and the crew was down there and Marcel was -- I think you were nude, Marcel... Strange. Odd. And, uh, he had run into-- what did you run into-- a pier. Anyway, he was almost dead. He was on a pier so we, of course we had loads of pharmaceuticals because.. that’s ah.. that’s our Goddess! That's the great American health food, heh, that’s what I love. And of course, um, but only in moderation, balance. And of course, um, while all this was happening, you know strawberry margaritas going into the tum-tum, I had just lost the baby, and ah, this song started to come. And everybody started to kinda weave in and out of this beach house and ah, I couldn’t finish it, for some reason I just couldn’t. I wrote this first verse twenty times. I had my wisdom teeth out and I was singing it to my mother going, ‘Mother what do you think of these lyrics?’ Something about, you know, my head, and it hurts, and da da da da, just, she goes, ‘You’re outta your mind, you just had your wisd-- this is terrible!’ And I said, ‘ah okay, thanks mom.’ And then it took me a while until I went with Beenie to a... Champagne... you THINK I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict and I’m NOT! It’s one of those things. It’s not the same! But anyway, so I’m in the Champagne, right, with Beenie and we were having an argument with one of her, uh, friends, there were four of us women and my god, four women together oh god it can be ugly. So um... cats for days and P.U.! Anyway, so there was a war going on and one woman was having her throat removed and um, Beenie of course was gonna win, and I just, I just came into my room freaked out by the whole thing and schmoozy me, my uh, spiral staircase, mm mmm... So I come down in my Prada shoes and I trip all the way down the steps and I fall all the way down to the floor and so, uh, when I looked at Beenie and said, (sings) ‘in my platforms I hit the floor...’” [Binghamton, NY concert - November 10, 1998]
