I feel like a drug addict

[Monika]

Is it normal to one day be crying over nothing and then be on top of the world the next? It's crazy, and it's weird. I admit I did my share of drugs in highschool and I know how that is, mood swings were awful then also, but that was years ago, this is now. I don't know I'm not much of a talker when it comes about talkin about me but I don't want to go to a shrink again anybody know why I feel this way?? wow sounds like a Dear Abby topic , no but really I think I'm really losing it.

[thedancer]

Hi, Monika...

I think I know the feelings you describe. And I've always seen the reason of my unstabile mood later; weeks, months, maybe years later i can say "yes, that was the problem, why didn't i understand it while it was alive, didn't i try to figure it out?

So are tou sure you don't know what's bothering you? Only you can know. Maybe it'll pass away soon, but if not, if you're sad for a long time, for real, you have to know why? If you give it a really deep thought, if you confront you feelings, is it something you miss, longing for... I mean; how's your life? Something you'd like to change?

*oh, drink a bit of wine, we both might go tomorrow*

[P a t r i c k]

Monikia,

I know how you feel. Drugs can seriouslly fuck you up. I used to smoke pot like everyday when I was a freshmen in High School. I was loosing personality, getting bad grades, and slipping into a serious depression. I am really glad I stay away from pot now. I just want to let you know, I know how you feel, If you ever need to chat about something you can e-mail me! I love ya!

Pat

[e-mail]

[Monika]

Thank you you guys , it's good to know you guys care even if you're miles away. I actually have a few people I could talk to this about but being shy makes me a lot more introverted, and it's just hard for me to open up to people even if I've known them for years. And yes Vespertine I think you're right, I guess I know why I feel like this, but it's just I hate giving things to much thought so I can move on faster, but guess what that doesn't seem to work either. A lot of things are going on and it's taking me some time to catch up, but I'm just worried that this constant feelin like not knowing why I'm acting the way I am really confuses me. It's good to know you guys are around even if you have no idea what I'm talkin' about, so thank u Vespertine and Pat a huge hug for being as sweet as you are always.

[♥Mary♥]

Hugs to you, Monika!

[LipGlossArsonist]

I, too, know the feeling, Monika. And only about 6 months ago was I able to truly say I was happy at all. And the only advice I know to give is to say that sometimes when you have a problem... and you sit to yourself and ask yourself questions and respond with "I don't know"... usually you do... you just don't want to admit to whatever it is... or you just don't truly care to find it. You really have to try hard.. and ask "why?" and... when you can't find an answer.. you can not give up on it... keep searching. There's a whole lotta junk in your noodle... it's not always easy to sort through... but everything's there, I promise.

Don't let this kind of thing tear your whole life down. I did, and now I have a shitty liver and kidneys and terrible memories of being in an emergency room to show for it. That's not really something to be proud of. And certainly not a god attempt at 'getting through it'.

So seriously, dig deep. It's all there somewhere.
*love*
-Mallory

[elizabeth]

Hi, Monika,

ummm....i do know how you feel. i read your post yesterday and have thought about it since, so i will tell you what i can....i started having feelings like this when i was about 21 or 22(i'm almost 28 now). A lot of girls, if they are prone to depression or manic depression, feel it first at this age. Which i think u r about this age. umm, i did have weird feelings of like being elated and just feeling really awake, almost like u haven't slept all night feelings. it happened my last year in college. i think it happens when there are big changes that may be bringing good change but also causing separation from things that may have been comforting in the past;an old boyfriend, a best friend. unsettled you feel, but like driving fast. i think its about big change. i think also it may be the beginning of a period when u do have some periods of depression. you said you cant catch up with the changes, that sounds about right. i would just say make sure you know who to go to for support when you need them, and create a little haven around yourself of resting and thinking. the worst thing about depression is when you blame yourself or feel guilty-try to just rest through that with friends, music, whatever beauty you have. hope you feel better soon

[Monika]

I've always thought of myself as autosuficient emotionally. I grew up practicly raising myself and my 2 brothers because both my parents worked all day, and I was always the mature one even though I wasn't the oldest one. I guess I got used to being the one who would listen and left my stuff aside, and believe me now when I look back I can't believe the things I had to see at a really young age. So my escape to all that in my teens was drugs, in college I smoked pot on a daily basis till I gradually left all of that, when I realized I didn't want to be a nobody. I had the perfect life a few months ago or so I was completely in love with my BF and we were thinking of something more serious till he got a job offer and had to move to Europe for a year, funny he left 3 months ago and I haven't heard from him since, .....that broke my heart.

Well then I got a new job in something I barely even know about but it's an important position so I was feelin really good about myself for getting it, now I work from 8:30 till 7 pm, and I'm completely stressed out, I barely see my friends or my family and when I do they let me know how I never have time for them, my only escape is working out which I've been doin' for like 5 years now but I'm losing way to much weight and not eating too good. So I'm guessing maybe that's why I get these mood swings because now I don't run to drugs everytime I'm down, and believe me I don't even consider going back to all of that. PPl who have ever hit rock bottom will know what I mean. I don't know I'm guessing maybe I'm just tired or stressed, it's summer here and I'm stuck in an office, I don't know.

All of you guys are wonderful and it's a great feelin that you even care enough to answer this post. I can't thank all of you enough for making me smile, and letting me know your thoughts, *Hugzzzzzzzzz 4 all of you.*

[sweetsangria]

I've struggled with feelings like this since I was about fifteen. I've never had any kind of insurance, so I haven't been able to really explore the issues and what might help me sort them out with a therapist. But if you can,I think it's a good idea. I used to smoke pot a lot in high school, and for a about a year after graduation I did every drug in the book. It was a lot of fun when I was doing them, and I wrote some unbeleivable poetry. But I only felt worse when I came down. I eventually stopped doing the hard stuff, because, quite frankly, I couldn't afford it. But I did continue to smoke pot until I met my husband who is very anti-drug. Now I don't do it anymore. (Ok, maybe once every year or so. ) but it's defintiely something I think about a lot. I think once you experiance what it feels like to elevate your sences and feelings artificially, that knowledge kind of lurks in the recesses of your brain forever. Especially if you have a tendency to get depressed. But I do really think that drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, even caffeine to a lesser extent, are an escape from how hard it is to face the world and our problems sober. I also understand how another way to deal with what you are feeling is to focus on your weight, but I hope you don't too far down that road, because I've been there, and that's another thing that stays with you forever. I hope you can find all the support you need to help you through this, and don't ever be ashamed of venting your feelings. As you can see, many of us have gone through similar things, and we are here, if you ever need a friend.

[elizabeth]

Monika,

oh my god, i just read your post, and I have to tell you---i wrote to you before, but reading this was ...well, we have so much in common. I also had to be very self-sufficient my whole time growing up-i took care of myself mostly.but, I had the same experience as you.Once i graduated, I got a very stressful job teaching dyslexic kids and I also was learning how to as I went along. I worked really long hours, too, and my boyfriend had just gone to Scotland for a year. I am sorry your boyfriend hasn't called, that's just crazy. But, I'll tell you, my second year I was separated from friends, family...my mother too made me feel guilty for not having time to come home, but I was giving so much...What really worries me is you say you are losing weight. I'll tell you, my second year I had to leave my job becuase of depression, because of feeling separated from friends, working hard, a hard job, etc, but you know what i think really really pushed it too far?I wasn't eating nearly enough, and what I did eat was not giving my body what it needed. So, on top of feeling depressed, I was like malnourished and had such a lack of energy. So, please, put this first...eating and resting...

One more thing to add. My boyfriend who had gone to Scotland, well, after coming from raising your self, when you finally make this kind of bond, and you feel like there is finally someone who loves you, it is indescribably hard when they are no longer there....especially to a part of yourself that may not be able to really understand it, while you are busy with work and others' expectations. Love, elizabeth

[Monika]

Elizabeth it's releiving to find somebody who can relate to all of this, I don't consider myself depresive at all but for I have these fases when it seems I just can't deal with things anymore. I always seem to get out but I always seem to keep it to myself also, I guess it's just a matter of time. I sleep like 5 hrs every night and I'm not eating to good which is probably why I feel like this just really vulnerable. I'm thinkin' of getting away this weekend to sort things out, go the beach and rest, I know I'll be okay and I thank you sooooooooooooooooo much.

Sweetsangria thank you for your support and for caring, it means a lot.